I have always been some sort of freelancer. On my free time I draw, make animated videos, watch fictional series and write books about my own created characters. Some people may think I am being delusional, while others envy me for being able to let loose and be myself. When my parents were given a review of my performance in school the teachers often informed them that I disappeared into my own mind, I fantasized a lot. I can agree with that. I love to fantasize and create! One thing is for sure – I like to provoke feelings in others. In my video making or when I write stories I always end up making a twist or a sad, melancholic ending. That is just a part of me, everything cannot have a happy ending.

Due to my introverted nature I have always ended up overanalyzing the impression I give people I meet, rethinking all the actions, perhaps I send out the wrong signals. Then I get sick anxious over it. And I often question myself; is this how it is supposed to be? When I go to the grocery store and greet the cashiers I often think to myself that they cannot possibly have time to rethink all of their meetings with customers every day. They would go mad!

I never knew what kind of job I wanted, for real. When I was a kid I wanted to be a lumberjack and a Formula 1 driver, and funnily enough these two jobs take a part in two interests of mine, all these years later. I like to be out in the woods and I like to drive. But let’s be real, I could never be any of those things. Being a traditional lumberjack I would have to move out in the woods and live off cattle and gather water from a well, and being a F1 driver is probably not really for me, due to all of the social pressure. I am not a competitive person at all! In high school I did the Aesthetics Program. One reason is because I did not know what I wanted to be, but mainly because I am a creative person. Thing is, I do not want to work with it, because then it will not be a hobby to me.

After I graduated I had all the free time in the world. I wrote a book, created more animations and art, and was happy to finally be done with school. I had no interest in continuing my education. I really had no idea what I was supposed to do to become a functional part of society, even though that term scared me. Become a gear in society. After one year of being jobless I started doubting myself more and more, having existential crises. I had no goal to what I wanted to do in life either, some people may start a family to fill their life with, or travel around the world for instance, but I feel no need for any of that. I have always been quite humble and easygoing, never taking something to the extreme unless it is necessary. Leading a life without a purpose really is empty and well, kind of hopeless. Even creating felt hopeless and empty, so I did it less and less. The only real goal I had was to finish all of my books, so that when I eventually disappear, at least my fictional legacy would be left behind.

That was when Terry invited me to his Leadership and Intuition course. I was not sure if I wanted to go or not, but eventually did, since I really had nothing that was stopping me beside from myself. It really put the gears in motion and really turned myself against me – provoked my own feelings. I have to leave my comfort zone to develop and advance. I do not think I would have really taken care of it until a long time later if this opportunity had not showed up. And it really helped me. I have realized that you do not need big things to strive for, but small ones. I am not too sure, but I have a wish, I would like to see big mountains aboard and do oil paintings on big canvases, but for starters, finish my current book. I feel like a new chapter is beginning, where I will put things into place, face the unknown and stop worrying whether or not I am acting like a presentable specimen of society. I feel like I have never been, because I am myself and I have a right to be myself. That is a happy ending!

John Pettersson
www.instagram.com/deiraraart/

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