It was early spring when I first set foot in Fanthyttan. Leadership and Personal Development was the name of the course I was attending. I was enthusiastic, curious and had a lot of expectations. Inside was a turmoil of emotions. My life at the time was both stabile and messy. A lot like myself inside I guess. Steady and confused, with some sort of dualistic clutter that kept me from going anywhere in life. I searched for answers, for love, for someone to take care of me. And I screamed for attention in a quiet held back way.
I thought I was open and obvious with my needs since I was able to put words to how I felt. But it soon became clear that my biggest fear was to let my guard down and become vulnerable. All my intellect was doing was putting words in place for others to hear. But I was never sincere. I was never there. I was never real. There were no genuine emotions for others, to feel or take in regard. Because I had been in too much control all my life. And to let my emotions out for real was now what I had to begin to work with.
It was a tough time that followed, because it was hard to keep up a charade with people who had known me for a long time. And as I started to change emotionally they could not get that I was on an emotional journey right away. It is impossible (and unfair) to demand such a thing. But at first I felt both sad and irritated that they did not see me. That they did not have that kind of understanding of what I was going through. I guess I still wanted someone else to do the job. To wake me up. To take care of ME.
In 2012, after further education and quite a few hours in psychotherapy, I felt it was time to return on a course in Fanthyttan. I decided to attend Intuition and Personal Development and was accepted. I remember entering the room thinking where I should sit, what group I wished to join, which ones I wanted to be next to, to have the right one’s challenging me. I had such a strong urge to be seen and challenged, because I did not dare challenge myself. Not at the course and not in my everyday life. When I was not seen, I shut down, became harsh and hard to reach, instead of opening up to show the true me. I always thought everything through. Made plans. Had ideas of how everything had to be. But in Fanthyttan that did not work. Terry did not play a part in my old drama. He just let me be. He chose not to see me when I went in to my old patterns. I tried my best to avoid being the ’centre of attention person’ I really am. I tried looking shy or quiet to be seen or talked to. But that did not give me the response I wanted. The course went on, it was divided in to three occasions. At the end of the third part I felt more open and believed in myself in a new way. But my ego was still like a big, black cloud inside of me.
I went home and started a new journey becoming a mother. I got two daughters that I had to spend every day and night with for the following five years. With highly sensitive, special need kids I had to get rid of so much of what I thought parenthood was going to be. Which kind of mother I had hoped to become. I had to accept that I was not always going to be enough, but that being imperfect was just as good as anything. My children humbled me. They taught me patience. But the biggest lesson they gave me was that emotions, how scary and loud and aggressive they may be, are nothing more than just emotions. They will not kill me or break me. Only if I refuse to accept them or let them be a part of me. My daughters are eminent teachers. They have shown me that I can be weak and say that I do not know. That I am not perfect or can plan how everything is going to be. And when I in the beginning of 2019 came back to Fanthyttan, I realized what had happened as soon as I set foot in the classroom. I no longer felt the need for someone to give ME something. I no longer urged for Terry to see me or confront me. I no longer needed to think about my appearance in the group. I just sat there and was myself. The one I had searched for, for so long. The one I had found the moment I let emotions become a part of my life again.