Forgiveness is a word that we often use very loosely. When we use it like that it is without power and meaning.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Part of that dysfunction was my stepfather who was a sadist and psychopath. Later in life it was discovered that he also was a paedophile. He was a skilled manipulator and very charming. He had great skills in humiliating people. At the same time sending out the message that he was a perfect man, a good stepfather.
During the time that he was together with my mother I became accustomed to his behaviour. I learn to cope with it. When someone is that disturbed the rules on how you should be just changes from hour to hour. You never know what is going to happen text. What happens to you as a person is you become a dancing bear, trying to live up to their expectations and demands to avoid punishment. The interesting thing is that when I look back at things, I realise how co-dependent I was as a child and how I carried it for quite some years as an adult.
As a young man I realised that I needed help, I did not understand who I was. Thank goodness I had the courage o to see a therapist. Everything awoke within me and I began to understand why I was not quite sure who I was. I had pushed everything deep down inside. It was better to supress it than dealing with it. I did it to survive. I went into my own world. That was the only way of dealing with the reality. Buried deep within me was anger, despair and a feeling of hatred. That is what I felt about that man, the effect of my stepfather’s tyranny.
When I was in therapy things began to wake up within my mind and I realised how strong my negative feelings for that man were. Then a miracle happened, during therapy I had a huge realisation, a heavy load that I had been carrying a long time was cleared away. Two or three days after I had an unexpected visitor that Ascala brought from spirit. I realised it was my stepfather. He told me that he could not go any further in spirit until he had asked me for forgiveness. I did not know what to say. The word forgiveness did not come into my mind. All I could say was: “I hope you realise what you were and what you did.” But it did not feel adequate.
The following evening, as I had just come out the shower, my stepfather was standing behind me. Then a powerful anger came up within me. I turned to him and said: “It stops here. Your days of control are over. You cannot hurt me anymore.” That was almost a magical moment. As I said that to him, I was able to realise how all that anger and bitterness still had me under control. The only way to release it was to accept that it was how I felt about him. First of all, I had to accept what my part in it was. I was ready. I did not want to carry that negativity anymore. When I set that line, I was also releasing him. He acknowledged my words with a smile and then he just left.
When he came to me, I was able to take back that a part of me that he had stolen from me as a child. I realised that you can only forgive when you can accept and take control of the feelings within that you need to deal with. I still have memories from the past, but since that day in the bathroom I have a peace within that I never had as a child. I could leave the demons from the past behind.
Before we can forgive anyone, we have to confront what the situation has left within us, what negative feelings we are carrying. We have to take responsibility for that. The scars can never be removed, but for me they are just memories, because I decided to go to a therapist to receive help. I can still feel moments of sadness, but that feeling no longer controls me.
The first person I actually had to forgive was myself, because of all the anger and the bitterness I felt within. The therapist helped me with that. The forgiveness could only come from within. Words would not have done the trick. The therapist, my guide Ascala and my stepfather all had a part to play. Interestingly enough, I did not know my stepfather was on the other side, but three months later my stepsister asked to help her find out what happened to him. I gave her the information that she needed and she managed to make contact with him on the other side and a part of his family in life.
All the negative feelings that you carry within prevents you from being who you really are. Forgiveness can open up many doors within yourself, but it has to come from a place deep within, it is not just a word.